ANN COULTER, ONCE AGAIN, OFFSIDE


sarah_bloch_9

I have to be honest with my loyal readers by saying that i hadn’t read anything written by Ann Coulter in at least two years. Politically, she has become an irrelevancy that would qualify as a waste of my time. There are far more important people with large megaphones from the Right which need to be brought to account for their inaccuracies. I feel the same way about Ann Coulter, who is no longer considered ideologically fuckable by the conservative men who matter, as I do about mosquitoes here in Dis. If they bite me I leave them alone.

Recently, Coulter bit me, with all the tenacity and hot headedness of Luis Suarez, by writing an article saying the moral decline of America can be tied to the growing interest in the FIFA 2014 World Cup Finals. As if that’s not bad enough she tries to appear snarky by proving her ignorance of the game. Sure I love some snark but not being willing enough to do a few Google™ searches so that you will be familiar with the facts and rules of the game you are mocking just makes you a dumb bitch not a mistress of the sarcastic arts.

Coulter begins:

“I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.

(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they’re standing alone at the plate. But there’s also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks.

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed women are called “soccer moms,” not “football moms.” “

Maybe Coulter should have waited another decade before putting her foot in her mouth. Individual achievement in association football, just like any other sport is recognized with numerous trophies [Ballon d’Or, confederation player of the year awards, et cetera] for personal ability. The press in sports rwist themselves in knots not only fueling the arguments over who is the greatest player currently playing [My vote would be for Argentina’s Lionel Messi] but also for who the greatest player of all time is [My vote would be for Pele.]. As for MVPs there is a man of the match selected in most upper level divisions including the World Cup which shows Coulter isn’t even trying to know anything about the game she’s simply being a cunt.

Clearly, Ms Coulter has never heard of Andrés Escobar Saldarriaga who lost his life because of an own goal in the 1994 World Cup group stage that eliminated Colombia. In this case blame was hardly dispersed. An own goal is about the most grievous error one can make on the football pitch, followed by a handball or other foul in the penalty box leading to a spot kick one on one against the keeper. These usually result in goals, you know those things that rarely happen in soccer matches. Speaking of that I have an app that tells me what matches are being played on Terra on any given day. Yesterday, there was only one 0-0 draw between Ilves and HIFK in the Finnish Second Division. This was out of 16 matches including four in the World Cup. Ann seems to have an obsession with scoring and not enjoying the means by which one arrives at the ability to score. I guess she hated to see Jim Brown, Tont Dorsett, Eric Dickerson, Walter Payton or Emmitt Smith make a great forty yard run unless it resulted in a touchdown.

As far as the no heroes thing goes Ann Coulter must have missed this four years ago:

That would be FC Barcelona midfielder Andres Iniesta scoring for Spain in the 116th minute to break a 0-0 deadlock in the final to give Spain its first World Cup title. Not only has the midfielder done that he is called the saint of Stamford Bridge because of this:

That goal in London against Chelsea FC launched FC Barcelona into the 2009 UEFA Champions League Final which they won against Manchester United 3-1.

(2) Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

I think liberal moms like soccer because it is a beautiful game that at its roots is designed and governed by rules that teach respect for the opponent as well as the game. Coulter, as a conservative can’t understand this because futbol isn’t violent enough for her.

(3) No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: “2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0.” Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: “1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0.” If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.

Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties — and it’s a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you.

She goes back to the scoreless thing. Maybe Ann has hit a sexual dry spell in her life. Oh, wait that’s right she’s a “Christian” who has never been married so that makes her a 52 year old virgin. Her choice nothing wrong with that I guess. Let’s look at the facts. During the World Cup group stage just completed yesterday there were a total of 48 matches played. Of those 48 only five resulted in 0-0 draws. This World Cup currently is averaging 2.8 goals per match, or one goal every 32 minutes and 8 seconds. Enough about the scoring Ann get a vibrator. Global powerhouses Argentina and Brazil have met four times in the World Cup [’74, ’78, ’82 and ’90] and only one of those matches ended in a 0-0 draw that was in the group stage in 1978.

(4) The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare. As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: Don’t worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game.

Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

This is just another dumb moment from Coulter. Injury? While the rules of football try to protect players from injury it still happens. Watch and wince.

Personal disgrace? Ann needs to meet Eric Cantona and Luis Suarez.

(5) You can’t use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them!

The goalkeeper can use his hands and there have been some masterful keepers over the ages. Also field players use those opposable thumbs on throw ins as Rory Delap demonstrates with amazing skill.

(6) I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s “Girls,” light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is “catching on” is exceeded only by the ones pretending women’s basketball is fascinating.

I note that we don’t have to be endlessly told how exciting football is.

I don’t think Americans are being force fed soccer at all. if you have a digital antenna you get free American football games all season long at least three a Sunday. You need cable or satellite to see football matches from Europe and you might get five MLS games a season on NBC. The World Cup is a global event and is once every four years, but even with the US team doing very well ABC wouldn’t put the USA Portugal game on at 6 in the evening or the USA Germany game on at noon yesterday. I don;t see a feeding tube here anywhere.

(7) It’s foreign. In fact, that’s the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not “catching on” at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.

It’s not foreign. Soccer is the universal language by way of sport. Virtually every nation on the planet has a national team. Even North Korea! African Americans hate soccer? Then why are Kobe Bryant, Snoop Dog and the President of the United States fans? By the way, American football developed out of rugby which sadly Ann began in England as well.

(8) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine.

Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he’ll say something like “70 degrees.” Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he’ll say it’s about 200 miles.

Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more “rational” than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man’s thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That’s easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?

From this I take it that Ann only buys 67.62 ounce bottles of Coca-Cola [which is an advertising sponsor of the FIFA World Cup 2014!].

(9) Soccer is not “catching on.” Headlines this week proclaimed “Record U.S. ratings for World Cup,” and we had to hear — again — about the “growing popularity of soccer in the United States.”

The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women’s World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women’s games are as thrilling as the men’s.)

Run-of-the-mill, regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year’s Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers.

Remember when the media tried to foist British soccer star David Beckham and his permanently camera-ready wife on us a few years ago? Their arrival in America was heralded with 24-7 news coverage. That lasted about two days. Ratings tanked. No one cared.

If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

From the last audience report in 2011 of the 2010 FIFA World Cup a staggering 29% of the world population watched 30 minutes or more of the Spainv Netherlands final. Sure the NFL dominates in the United States just like the Barclay’s Premiere League, La Liga BBVA and the Bundesliga do in England, Spain and Germany. But the NFL didn’t always dominate TV sports ratings it ascended to that status after the 1958 championship game between Baltimore and New York where you had a captive audience in the Northeast at home between holidays on a Sunday night treated to an exciting game. What would happen if the US were able to play a final in a future World Cup on 4 July? I’d bet that would be the most watched sporting event in US history. As far as a demographic shift making soccer popular that could be a possibility. Another could be that some Americans who played as kids in school and rec leagues still love the game. Americans whose great grandfathers were born in the United States who are watching soccer? How about this guy?

obama

Qu’ul cuda praedex nihil!

Sarah Bloch, D.S.V.J., J.F., O.Q.H [Jur.]
Amici Bax Demvolu Comnu
Politics & Culture Wars Managing Editor
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
4 Ashtaq 3 AS

4 Responses to “ANN COULTER, ONCE AGAIN, OFFSIDE”

  1. castlep777 Says:

    Coulter hates the left and abhors immigration. Hence, her diatribe on soccer. Coulter’s inexplicable hatred of the Other is one reason why we should Never Trust Ann Coulter – at ANY Age, a new book available at http://www.coulterwatch.com/never.pdf.

  2. coulter’s nothing more than a well-paid carnival barker just like those radio loudmouths. and all of them are poor entertainers

    • nope – dont listen to self-serving, profit mongering carnival barkers on ANY side.

      they tell tales told by a fool, full of sound and fury, signifying NOTHING ;>)

      and they’re poor entertainers. id rather watch sports

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