DAWN PATROL: 118 MELNAR 3 AS; THE MORNING NEWS FROM HELL: BOUVIER WEDDING; HUMAN SOULS VENT THEIR ANGER AT SEAHAWKS PASS PLAY IN SUPER BOWL XLIX; RHAM CASINO STRIKE MEDIATION CONTINUES
The main news of the Hellac Empire follows the ellipses . . .
Jacqueline Bouvier, President and CEO of Behmenberg, Bouvier Hepoburn and Hogan D. o. o. [B2H2], weds Avharam Risjhot, head of criminal law firm Risjhot, Pixley, Belli, Shroath and Mcmasters in a private ceremony in Dis attended by friends and family. B2H2 shares on the Hellac Stock exchange [HEX] rose to a new record of 21,703.9966 at the close yesterday. These events come only 24 hours after B2H2 acquired Selax Holdings of Tartarus for an estimated
h 8,816, 308 d.325 s 98 [$ 13,000,000,000] in cash. Selax was Hell’s largest producer of spices, condiments and cooking oils at the time of the sale having twice the annual sales of its major rival Cajenn-Huil of Hades. B2H2’s move into this business sector continues the firms commitment to diversification while innovating in the advertising and marketing space. Prior to the open futures of B2H2 show a sharp move up.
Thousands of Human Souls lined up yesterday outside Hell’s parliament in Dis to have their three minutes on the Hex in the lower chamber the Bax Demvlou Comnu. The majority of the speakers were expressing their frustration at the call that cost the Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl XLIX. A few wanted to express their delight at Katy Perry’s halftime show. The simulcast to form NBC to the Hellac Broadcasting Service was viewed by and estimated 3.6 billion Human Souls and over 10 billion total, making it the fifty second highest rated program ever on HBS behind the all time record holder coronation of Ang’ki Hoor which drew a staggering 16.7 trillion Souls.
Today marks the second day of a general strike on the floating city of Rham among casino and hotel workers who are demanding a greater share of profits. Hell’s largest casino SanJean’s said early this morning that they are closer to resolving this dispute in closed door negotiations. The Casino and Hospitality Workers Union Imperial is seeking a rise from an average of 7% annually of casino profits to a rise of 11%. SanJean’s is offering a rise of 8% with 2% held to supplement the Imperial General Relief Fund.
Fredrick Schwartz, D.S.V.J., CS, O.Q.H [Journ.]
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
118 Melnar 3 AS