A MODEST PROPOSAL: HOW FETAL PERSONHOOD SHOULD WORK IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Well it’s nice to be back writing about some things that are important to the living after covering the local elections here in Dis for the past month. I have to thank the Majordomo on Its excellent reporting on the tragic shootings in Roseburg, Oregon last week. Conservatives have made quite a spectacle of themselves painting the shooter as a Muslim or an anti-Christian because of comments he made during the shooting. Enough pounds of digital screed has been written on both sides of this political and social issue. For me the only solution is to take all the guns away and of course people will find other ways to kill each other but at least it won’t be in the massacre form that these shooting take. So no one will be confused I don’t think Americans need guns, for any reason unless they are in law enforcement or the military– period.
But that is another topic for another time. Today I want to toss the conservatives here on the terrestrial Internet a bone and offer them a proposal. Here’s a solution to the abortion debate that I can get behind. Roe v Wade would be repealed and every fetus would be considered a citizen of the United States from conception. Any person who contracts with a physician to terminate a pregnancy, or any physician who performs and abortion and pharmacist who issues an abortifacient drug, would be charged with murder in the first degree and if found guilty would serve a term as laid out by state law in that state’s jurisdiction. That penalty could be death or life in prison without parole. The same would apply to any laboratory that destroyed fertilized embryos.
So far so good, right conservatives? I mean this is what you’ve dreamed about since the fall of 1973? Abortion would become de facto and de jure murder and fetuses would become citizens with rights equal to those of every other citizen in the United States of America. Okay so you’ve got the carrot conservatives here’s the stick. As you well know nothing in America is free. To bind someone to be born is to take possession of their rights and that has a cost. So, for the term of existence in the womb the fetus will collect $1,215 per month in disability. Okay, I can hear conservatives laughing but don’t; I have the law on my side.
A fetus recognized as a citizen has rights and one of those rights is the right to be compensated for a disability. A fetus cannot work and by extension a minor child cannot enter into a contract. Therefore, from the age of conception to the 16th birthday that child will continue to get that disability benefit. The cost for your religious beliefs being catered to will be $244,215 per fetal person/ infant/toddler/adolescent or about 782 billion a year. That’s a small price to pay for having your religious beliefs codified into law.
Of course this money would be held in an account for the fetal person until they reach the age of 18. At that time it can be used to pay for college or a trade school. If the fetal citizen at the age of 18 decides to do neither they would have to either join the US military and serve for four years to get the money after being discharged honorably. If the fetal person opts out of all of these options they would have to wait until they were 25 and have no felony criminal record to collect their cash.
I know you guys are now wondering well how in Hell am I going to propose to pay for this?? It’s very simple really. Churches in America enjoy tax exempt status and I would end this exemption to pay for this program. That would generate around 10% of the total needed. The rest would have to come from the individual taxpayers in the form of a payroll tax and 10% national sales tax on consumer goods and an increase in the gasoline tax. See I’m helping the environment and growing jobs at the same time. The tax on individuals would be around 5.2% flat across all income ranges; the gasoline tax would be an addition $1.50 per gallon. This would raise an additional $740 billion and fully fund the program.
The greatest benefit, other than it would end the abortion debate once and for all in 30 years it would inject a massive amount of spending income in the hands of young people who will do what all American consumers do–spend it. It might sound draconian to many of my Progressive friends but having people with no skin in the game make decisions about a woman’s health and welfare is something I find draconian. If the right wants to own this issue they have to be willing to buy it.
Fredrick Schwartz, D.S.V.J., CS, O.Q.H [Journ.]
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
7 2 Leviathan 3 AS