THE SATURDAY MODEST PROPOSAL: A FEW MARKETING IDEAS TO HELP THE GOP WITH THEIR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION
It seems like it has been forever since the GOP occupied the White House doesn’t it? The GOP seems to be mired in the same swamp that the Democrats found themselves flailing in 1984 and 1988. Mondale and Dukakis were good men but presidential candidates? In hindsight, not so much. But as usual I am going tangential while simultaneously getting ahead of myself.
The GOP base has grown tired of calling Barack Obama names and has left that buffet for the Elysian Fields of cannibalism. Yes, boys and girls the GOP has begun to use the same tactics they once used against Progressives on their own. Donald Trump has instigated a smear campaign against Ted Cruz via a scandalous, and untrue, account of marital infidelity published in the National Enquirer. That’s right the National Enquirer. This comes at the same time as a series of tweets that showed Heidi Cruz the wife of the GOP number two candidate side by side with Melania Trump. Well that’s not fair at all is it? I say that because number one the only reason Melania Trump is with Donald Trump is because he’s rich. Can we all agree on that? The two would have never met if he wasn’t so I think I win on that point. And as women married to conservative members of congress go Heidi Cruz is actually hot. Well in the same way that Kobe Bryant would be a superstar in the NBA over 35 game at next year’s All Star Game. Okay once again I digress.
Here is tip that will help the GOP get back on track and resolve the rifts within their own party and the gulf between Moderates and the three camps on the Right:
A politically branded ice cream flavor.
Everyone loves ice cream! Look how happy she is holding those sundaes! Her day is made! Okay enough exclamation points. They could come up with snappy patriotically nationalist names like “Border Wall Crunch” which would be vanilla with white chocolate sprinkles and a grey cone section that looks like cinderblock stuck on one side with a marzipan Mexican standing on the other side. Or maybe “Angry Voter” which would be vanilla with red white and blue sprinkles and a flaming cross [lit with Trump Vodka® made out of Popsicle sticks sitting prominently on top. The best one might actually “Cruz Cookie Dough Meltdown” a confection of vanilla ice cream vanilla cookie dough and vanilla sprinkles in a cone shaped like Melania Trump’s ass. That could united the GOP in minutes. And hey who doesn’t want to eat Melania Trump’s ass?
I have witnessed 15 campaigns for president since I was old enough to know what was going on and this year is the craziest I’ve seen. And that’s just on the GOP side. A race between Trump and Clinton will end in disaster for the GOP sending them once again back to the drawing board after the firing of Reince Priebus and calling in their political forensics team to do yet another election autopsy which will tell them they have to bring in more younger less white voters– and women. But we all know these are the things that the GOP doesn’t want to do. They want to be the party of the stupid, the angry, the bigoted, the intransigent screaming old fart, the mousy married middle aged white woman who is terrified of everything, the religious crackpot and the unstable gun owner. I knew the GOP would destroy itself before 2030 but I didn’t see Trump as the suicide bomber that would do the deed.
Fredrick Schwartz, D.S.V.J., CS, O.Q.H [Journ.]
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
77 High Lux Negro 3 AS