Archive for the GOP 2016 CAMPAIGN Category

THE SATURDAY MODEST PROPOSAL: A FEW MARKETING IDEAS TO HELP THE GOP WITH THEIR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Posted in 2016 ELECTIONS, 2016 US ELECTION, DONALD TRUMP, GOP, GOP 2016 CAMPAIGN, GOP AS A MINORITY PARTY, GOP MELTDOWN, TED CRUZ on 26/03/2016 by Fredrick Schwartz, D.S.V.J., O.Q.H. [Journ.]

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It seems like it has been forever since the GOP occupied the White House doesn’t it? The GOP seems to be mired in the same swamp that the Democrats found themselves flailing in 1984 and 1988. Mondale and Dukakis were good men but presidential candidates? In hindsight, not so much. But as usual I am going tangential while simultaneously getting ahead of myself.

Obama reacts to Gingrich SC victory

The GOP base has grown tired of calling Barack Obama names and has left that buffet for the Elysian Fields of cannibalism. Yes, boys and girls the GOP has begun to use the same tactics they once used against Progressives on their own. Donald Trump has instigated a smear campaign against Ted Cruz via a scandalous, and untrue, account of marital infidelity published in the National Enquirer. That’s right the National Enquirer. This comes at the same time as a series of tweets that showed Heidi Cruz the wife of the GOP number two candidate side by side with Melania Trump. Well that’s not fair at all is it? I say that because number one the only reason Melania Trump is with Donald Trump is because he’s rich. Can we all agree on that? The two would have never met if he wasn’t so I think I win on that point. And as women married to conservative members of congress go Heidi Cruz is actually hot. Well in the same way that Kobe Bryant would be a superstar in the NBA over 35 game at next year’s All Star Game. Okay once again I digress.

Here is tip that will help the GOP get back on track and resolve the rifts within their own party and the gulf between Moderates and the three camps on the Right:

A politically branded ice cream flavor.

Everyone loves ice cream! Look how happy she is holding those sundaes! Her day is made! Okay enough exclamation points. They could come up with snappy patriotically nationalist names like “Border Wall Crunch” which would be vanilla with white chocolate sprinkles and a grey cone section that looks like cinderblock stuck on one side with a marzipan Mexican standing on the other side. Or maybe “Angry Voter” which would be vanilla with red white and blue sprinkles and a flaming cross [lit with Trump Vodka® made out of Popsicle sticks sitting prominently on top. The best one might actually “Cruz Cookie Dough Meltdown” a confection of vanilla ice cream vanilla cookie dough and vanilla sprinkles in a cone shaped like Melania Trump’s ass. That could united the GOP in minutes. And hey who doesn’t want to eat Melania Trump’s ass?

Melania Trump
In Hindsight

I have witnessed 15 campaigns for president since I was old enough to know what was going on and this year is the craziest I’ve seen. And that’s just on the GOP side. A race between Trump and Clinton will end in disaster for the GOP sending them once again back to the drawing board after the firing of Reince Priebus and calling in their political forensics team to do yet another election autopsy which will tell them they have to bring in more younger less white voters– and women. But we all know these are the things that the GOP doesn’t want to do. They want to be the party of the stupid, the angry, the bigoted, the intransigent screaming old fart, the mousy married middle aged white woman who is terrified of everything, the religious crackpot and the unstable gun owner. I knew the GOP would destroy itself before 2030 but I didn’t see Trump as the suicide bomber that would do the deed.

Pax Terra!

Fredrick Schwartz, D.S.V.J., CS, O.Q.H [Journ.]
Managing Editor—Research
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
77 High Lux Negro 3 AS

SOMETHING GOVERNOR KASICH SAID LAST NIGHT IN DETROIT GOT ME THINKING

Posted in 2016 US ELECTION, GOP 2016 CAMPAIGN, GOP MELTDOWN on 04/03/2016 by Diane Valencen, D.S.V.J., O.Q.H [Journ.], ArF J., M.F.

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Governor John Kasich last night made his case for being the only “adult on the stage” last night in the GOP debate saying that he didn’t want to get involved in the “scrums” of low ball politics being played out between Donald Trump and Senators Cruz and Rubio. That statement about the dead ball rugby play as a descriptive of the GOP race for the nomination in 2016 is very important. In rugby, a scrum is called for by the referee, to restart play especially in rugby union where the eight forwards link up on the referee’s direction and the scrum half rolls the ball through the tunnel. The side which gains pushing advantage wins possession.

Scrum-Pumas-All-Blacks

The important word in all of that descriptive is referee. In this GOP race there is no referee only booing or cheering fans to chart the direction of the match. It is not even about the ball anymore because Trump has changed the rules. No matter what foul he commits, not even limited to making a euphemistic allusion to the relative connection between his hand size and penis size [Imagine if Barack Obama had done that in 2008?–C.E. esq.], Trump will not go to the sin bin. Instead, his fans award him more points in the form of more votes and thereby more delegates toward the magic number of 1,237.

Trump dumped at convention

Governor Kasich, I get your point, as I get Mitt Romney’s points he made yesterday. But Unlike Kasich, Romney tried to play the game with no referee that Trump has been winning since last summer. This is a recipe for failure and the only ones that will suffer will be the GOP establishment both during this process and in the general in November. A scrum has organization and oversight. The GOP race this year with Trump’s nativist allure, pandering to bigots, misogyny and his often outright denial of things he’s on tape saying has taken the Grand Old Party and turned it into an episode of Big Brother. At the end of the day it will not be the American people who decide who the GOP nominee is it will be the GOP establishment in Cleveland who will take all of his hard work of making the Trump brand a political movement and dash it against the rocks by elevating Speaker Paul Ryan as the “brokered” candidate. This will happen no matter if Trump’s hands and his penis are appropriately large.

Qu’ul cuda praedex nihil!

Diane Valencen, D.S.V.J., CS, O.Q.H [Journ.], ArF J., M.F.
Editorial Page Editor
The Dis Brimstone Daily Pitchfork
55 High Lux Negro 3 AS

BREAKING NEWS: CRUZ CAMPAIGN DISCRIMINATES AGAINST ACTRESS AMY LINDSAY FOR HER SOFTCORE EROTIC FILM PAST

Posted in AMY LINDSAY, CONSERVATIVE RESISTANCE TO FACT CHECKING, GOP 2016 CAMPAIGN, GOP AS A MINORITY PARTY, GOP MELTDOWN, TED CRUZ on 12/02/2016 by Diane Valencen, D.S.V.J., O.Q.H [Journ.], ArF J., M.F.

Of course this will not come as a shock to anyone who has been watching politics in America in the last one hundred years, but it is noteworthy in the modern digital age. The Cruz campaign made a rather tame ad called Conservatives Anonymous which was running on Youtube and nationally on TV with one actress with a speaking part Amy Lindsay sitting in a group of disillusioned voters who are in a therapy session talking about how disappointed they are in the GOP field. Lindsay intones, “Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face.” At the end of the ad Ted Cruz comes on and says he approves the message. It’s all really tame but it does make a point.

The problem is that after auditioning for the ad and shooting the ad it was discovered that Amy Lindsay had been a softcore erotica star of some note along with roles in Pacific Blue and Star Trek: Voyager. The Cruz campaign has now taken the ad down because well, conservatives and SIMULATED SEX! To her credit Amy Lindsay is standing by her Christian Conservative values and views acting as a job not as a definition of a person’s values or worse a full meaning of who the person is. Conservatives are already falling all over themselves trying to figure out how the actress got the job and why she wasn’t vetted fully which means like most conservatives they were looking for a round peg to put in a round hole and they didn’t care where the peg had been until some of that peg’s travels could be embarrassing. And this is the part that’s scary about GOP politics. If the Cruz campaign can’t do a simple IMDB search to assure their Bible thumpin base doesn’t get red faced about the CV of an actress what will a Cruz staff do when faced with something that requires real in depth research?

Qu’ul cuda praedex nihil!

Diane Valencen, D.S.V.J., CS, O.Q.H [Journ.], ArF J., M.F.
Editorial Page Editor
The Dis Brimstone Daily Pitchfork
34 High Lux Negro 3 AS

SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE PAUL RYAN ON DONALD TRUMP’S ANTI-MUSLIM STATEMENTS: “THIS IS NOT CONSERVATISM”

Posted in 2016 ELECTIONS, GOAT RODEO 2016, GONZO JOURNALISM, GOP, GOP 2016 CAMPAIGN, GOP AS A MINORITY PARTY, GOP MELTDOWN, PAUL RYAN on 08/12/2015 by Majordomo Pain

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Speaking this morning with GOP members of the House in support, Speaker Paul Ryan R-WI lambasted GOP frontrunner Donald Trump’s call for a ban on Muslims traveling to the United States. Citing the faithful citizenship of millions of Muslim Americans and the lives given by foreign Muslims in support of the effort to destroy al Qaeda and Da’ish Ryan fully denounced Trump as being the antithesis of what it means to be a member of the GOP and a conservative.

Qu’ul cuda praedex nihil!

Pain
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REEFIC COLJIK VOX HAI COMNU: “ELECTING DONALD TRUMP WOULD BE EQUAL TO A TERRORIST ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES”

Posted in 2016 ELECTIONS, BAX DEMVOLU COMU, DONALD TRUMP, GOP 2016 CAMPAIGN, REEFIC COLJIK with tags , on 17/08/2015 by sarahbloch

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In a strongly worded statement this evening after the most recent session of the Bax Demvolu Comnu, the Speaker, Reefic Coljik [q c p n!]
made the follwing statement to the gathered press of Hell. “I speak to you, the Citizens of Hell tonight and those living in the United States. Donald Trump touches the hearts of many millions of American citizens who feel their privilege has been taken from them by those they feel are inferior to them. This is a fallacy of a proportion that is so massive it boggles the mind. Mr Trump is a businessman, not a politician or a statesman. To elect this man to the office of President would be more devastating than any terror attack against the United States in history. It would dilute America’s power as a nation and as a beacon of democracy on Terra. I wish to be clear, electing Donald Trump would be equal to a terrorist attack on the United States of America. I cannot stress strongly enough that someone must come forward and break his hold on people who feel they have lost privilege they never earned and set American politics back on the proper path.”

Qu’ul cuda praedex nihil!

Sarah Bloch, D.S.V.J., J.F., O.Q.H [Jur.]
Amici Bax Demvolu Comnu
Politics & Culture Wars Managing Editor
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
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