Archive for dream cabinet



The writers here get quite a few snarky comments from conservatives, especially the “my religion supersedes all Federal law” gang, about what a fantasy land this blog is. They believe in Hell but they can’t accept that those on the other side aren’t all suffering for the mean shit they did while alive. I hate to bust your bubbles but the Afterlife is quite a bit like the life you are living now. What is horrifying to religious conservatives is that here in hell you are responsible for your actions almost immediately. You really don’t even have to get caught; crime and punishment are nearly in a photo finish. And, of course, conservatives whose first commandment is “Do as I say not as I do,” see this as an infringement on the right to being first in line for everything good and never having to go to that other line.

Okay enough about why old, white, bible thumpers suck to high Hell. I’ve got a new thing for you. This morning after a nice bowl of fruit and some very good coffee I lit a cigarette [the tobacco here in Hell is really good quality and with no additives it doesn’t make you cough] and started surfing around the Internet to see what the Right was thinking this fine warm day. Well, maybe thinking was too strong a word? At Free Republic I stumbled across a thread where the poster “Dan.israel.2011” wanted to know what President Rick Santorum’s dream Cabinet would look like.

The first thing that came to my mind of what a Santorum Cabinet would look like was two midgets trying to fuck an elephant with diarrhea while all of rest of the Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel, Medvedev and the cast of Glee stood laughing and pointing. Powerful image that. I shook that off because my mind was wandering to Jane Lynch in a thong and tassel pasties being served drinks by the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and I came back to the serious political matter at hand.

The suspension of disbelief that would allow someone to actually believe that Rick Santorum could win a general election for President in 2012 America is nearly infinite. If the entire conservative base turned out he’d get 25% of the vote. If half of the moderates collectively decided they liked the 13th Century better than the 21st he’d be up to 45%. Some Democratic scandal factor in the form of an October Surprise of a Lindsay Lohan found dead in the White House having anal sex with Vice President Biden [Sorry, Joe I had to form an image out of this morass somehow. Actually, for that I should be apologizing to Doctor Jill shouldn’t I?] would get him the final 6%. That’s not asking much is it? Not to Clinging Anti-Contraception Conservatives!

So here’s what Dan Israel 2011 came up with:

FReepers please post your President Rick Santorum Dream Team thoughts here.

VP – Allen West or Marco Rubio
Sec. Of Def Duncan Hunter Sr. not Jr.
WH Press Sec Sarah Palin you betcha!
Sec. Of State John Bolton ! Wow can you the left explode!
Fed Chair Herman Cain

Your thoughts?

Okay, I know I’m trying be serious about this. These are the same people who are saying Progressive like me, well at least the ones still alive on Terra, are trying to destroy the US of A. They start out with making sure that the so-called race card is off the table by having their token black or token Latino as the number 2 man in the team. For the thinkers in the room yes I know the Veep is technically a Cabinet level officer but for Right Wingers technical facts don’t matter they HAVE to point out they aren’t bigots by associating with one minority.

Then things really get pear shaped. Duncan Hunter Sr as SecDef, why you might ask? Well as one Freeper put it, “Duncan Hunter will build the border fence in 24hrs!” Did you hear the dog whistle? My question would be how is he going to get a border fence built from Washington to Maine in 24 hours? Oh this Freeper meant the border with Mexico, the smaller one! I get it now. But with Duncan Hunter Sr you get a two fer, a fascist warmonger and a HOMOPHOBE with one pick. That scores big points with the Christianist Working Class in the flyover states.

A few Duncan Hunter quotes:

Q: If you were president, would you need to go to Congress to get authorization to take military action against Iran’s nuclear facilities?
A: It depends on one thing: the president does not need that if the target is fleeting. We live in this age of terrorists with high technology, and if you have a very narrow window to hit a target, if the president’s going to have to take that on his shoulders, he’s going to have to do it. He has the right to do that under the Constitution as the commander in chief of the military forces. If he has time, then certainly you want to go to Congress, as we did in Iraq, and get the approval of Congress. So it’s a matter of whether or not the target is fleeting. And with respect to Iran, Iran is walking down the path to build a nuclear device. They’ve got now about a thousand centrifuges; they claim they’ve got 3,000. At some point, we may have to pre-empt that target. If we do, it should be done hopefully with allies but perhaps by the U.S. alone.

Source: 2007 Republican debate in Dearborn, Michigan Oct 9, 2007

Q: If it came down to a preemptive US strike against Iran’s nuclear facility, if necessary would you authorize the use of tactical nuclear weapons?

A: I would authorize the use of tactical nuclear weapons if there was no other way to preempt those particular centrifuges.

Then you get the obvious; Sarah Palin as White House Press Secretary. He might as well have written Victoria Jackson. All that would have to happen to start the dominoes falling is to have MSNBC send Dylan Ratigan to the White House as their correspondent and supply him with enough adult undergarments for three press briefings. His facial expressions at Palin’s inability to speak intelligently to matters going on around the world [as I might add Jay Carney does with aplomb] would be worthy of LIFE Magazine covers. I can hear Dylan now, struggling to stifle his laughter and maintain a measure of decorum, “Ms. Palin you are aware that Syrian does not share a border with the United States?” But I get the Sarah Palin thing. Middle aged conservative men are married to middle aged conservative women who have had a few babies like to see as much of Palin as possible for reasons I don’t have to go into.

In Hindsight

It’s curious that this Freeper thread devolves into a circular firing squad with arguments about who is the most viable candidate. That’s likely because conservatives don’t know who really effective, even in a Santorum Cabinet, members in their party and within government could fill these positions. Bolton and Cain top off this list but by now most serious people have expired from laughter. This isn’t a serious cabinet list, it’s a list of the people who conservatives know would make Progressives wince the most. All naming these people to these posts would do is to cause what the Right swears the Left is trying to do –destroy America. James Carville looks more and more like a genius every day.

Pax Terra!

Fredrick Schwartz, D.S.V.J., O.Q.H [Journ.]
Managing Editor—Research
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
78 Ravenshade 2 AS

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